Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
