Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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