I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
