She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
