My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
