Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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