Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
