Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
tell me about the fingering
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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