you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
