He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
