____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
