The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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