I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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