i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
