This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
