I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
