Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
50% drunk capacity currently
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
