I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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