I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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