Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
