I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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