New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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