we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
