someone threw a dead crab at me
i think my tv is drunk
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just pee around me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i think im in europe. pls send help
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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