I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
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