I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
