if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
