ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
