I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
