is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
