sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
