I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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