Swine flu. Run for my life!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
