True but thats because hes a fetus.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
