Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
