based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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