i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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