Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
