I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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