i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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