Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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