Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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