awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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