im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
