drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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