I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
