btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
