you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
