My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
