I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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