A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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