mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
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