i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
