Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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